This reminds me of how we handle difficult people. Perception creates our judgment and judgment creates action. Say for example you have to deal with a Back Stabber kind of Toxic Person. Your history with having them nail you when you were not there to defend yourself, creates a perception of will happen. Then your judgment kicks in and says, “See you don’t know how to handle this person again. You are going to get nailed again!” So subconsciously, you decide to either be ticked off or retreat. Neither of these is a good decision, so you deceive yourself by not taking a new approach.

The key? Read and train yourself to understand the other approaches available. If you are a leader, this is critical because you are the role model. For example, learn to have a different response to their ugly behavior by saying something such as, “That did sound like you were serious. Do the rest of you feel that way? Is this becoming a problem?” This will call the behavior of the backstabber. Or try, “I understand you’re unhappy with the plan. Your feedback is important. I want to hear what you think.”

When making decisions by gathering information, learn to ask great questions and keep digging. Learn and use the fogging technique by saying, “You may be right. Could you please help me understand where you are coming from?” The other side of that is to learn how to listen, without judgment, to their response.

Here is the problem. Most people are too lazy to change their perception and they don’t care about the dangerous ground so difficult behavior and toxic people continue to ruin their day! What will you change to grow your perception?

Marsha

Many of you ask questions about your work place and difficult people – especially with unemployment rates being low. One reoccurring issue is how do you know who NOT to hire! Here is my take on insuring a toxic free zone.

Difficult and Toxic People don’t just make others feel miserable; they create problems for their companies in many ways. They increase turnover, lower morale, and reduce profits.

When hiring employees, look for two characteristics: judgment and attitude. Typically, difficult people do not have either of these attributes. Everything else can be trained.

Second, avoid hiring the people who will never succeed — those who cannot do what they are told and those who cannot do anything unless they are told.

Ask questions that help get responses to make better hiring decisions.

1. Why did you leave your last position?
2. What are the key factors/skills you bring to building a successful team?
3. How do you stay motivated and focused?
4. What are the two elements of your experience that will help us reach our goals and satisfy our clients/customers?
5. If you had an issue with another employee, whether your subordinate, colleague, or superior, how would you go about resolving it?
6. What are two or three considerations a company has to focus on to build great customer relationships?

Lars Dalgaard is CEO and cofounder of SuccessFactors, one of the world’s fastest-growing software companies with revenues over $30 million created a list of the interesting milestones for the last seven years of his company. Her is my favorite:
* Employing no jerks

All the employees SuccessFactors hires agree in writing to 14 “rules of engagement.” Rule 14 starts out, “I will be a good person to work with—not territorial, not be a jerk.” One of Dalgaard’s founding principles is that “our organization will consist only of people who absolutely love what we do, with a white-hot passion. We will have utmost respect for the individual in a collaborative, egalitarian, and meritocratic environment—no blind copying, no politics, no parochialism, no silos, no games, —just being good!”

If you need a better understanding of identifying Toxic People, find resources that will give you the skills you need! Whether it is my book, Toxic People: decontaminate difficult people at work without using weapons or duct tape or other resources, do something! They will contaminate any work group or business environment.

Let me know what you think! Your questions have been terrific. Marsha

I had to listen for inconsistencies in what people are saying. This means you have to really hear their message. J.J. Newberry was a trained federal agent, skilled in the art of deception detection. So when a witness to a shooting sat in front of him and tried to tell him that when she heard gunshots she didn’t look, she just ran — he knew she was lying. How did Newberry reach this conclusion? By recognizing telltale signs that a person isn’t being honest, like inconsistencies in a story, behavior that’s different from a person’s norm, or too much detail in an explanation.

In this case, her described behavior didn’t match what most people do when a sound startles them. From birth, individuals with normal hearing will turn in the direction of the sound, and then react physically. The only way Mr. Newberry’s witness would have run without looking would have been if she was the one firing the shots!
Newberry was questioning a woman who said she ran and hid after hearing gunshots — without looking — and Newberry saw the inconsistency immediately.

“There was something that just didn’t fit,” says Newberry. “She heard gunshots but she didn’t look? I knew that was inconsistent with how a person would respond to a situation like that.” So, when she wasn’t paying attention, he banged on the table. She looked right at him. “When a person hears a noise, it’s a natural reaction to look toward it,” Newberry said. “I knew she heard those gunshots, looked in the direction from which they came, saw the shooter, and then ran.” Sure enough, he was right.

He knew her story was illogical. You need to look for inconsistencies when you think someone is not being truthful. Are there inconsistencies that just don’t fit? The key here is to pay attention to what they are saying rather than trying to figure out what you will say next. And ask questions. Trust me – this will help keep you sane. It sure helped me at NSA! I will go back to the convention because it was JUST WONDERFUL! Marsha