We have all encountered Backstabbers at work. (Remember the song about Backstabbers?) They are gossips, mean spirited and hurtful. In my research for the Toxic People book, one in every 30 people in high-performing business situations has been identified as a Backstabber. This rate is several times higher than that of the general population. Are you surprised? These people have little conscience or ability to change because their antics get them what they want. Their only goals seem to be power and personal gain. Pay attention to these people because they can tear up your road to success and kill your dreams.

Stop the Mental Terrorism!
So what can you do to manage these emotional vampires and your mental terrorism caused by these nasty people? How do you take personal responsibility for sharpening your skills, not your tongue?

1. Identify the behavior: Taking credit for others’ work and finding reasons to place blame whenever anything goes wrong are typical of their malicious approach. Understand that their undermining ugliness often pushes you into toxic behavior. Pay attention to how you handle their attacks and what kind of behavior you exhibit.
2. Never overlook the damage Backstabbers can do. Don’t laugh at them or shrug off their behavior. If you do, it just reinforces their control and their negative positioning. They won’t change, because this approach has worked for them in the past.
3. Listen for the messages they send and how you interpret their vicious banter: Do you hear, “Be careful what you say about me, or I’ll say something that will embarrass you in front of others” or “There is nothing you can do to stop me; I’m more clever than you?”
Sometimes Backstabbers will even send another kind of message, such as, “I’m only trying to be helpful. Maybe you don’t see the weakness in yourself. It’s lucky for you I’m honest. Listen to my feedback if you want to succeed.” Yeah right!
4. Learn survival tactics: One approach is to build a positive relationship with Backstabbers and anyone they have enlisted. This is tricky but remember that the more your coworkers like you, the less they will side with them. Never say anything negative about the Backstabbers. If they find out, they will turn you into the troublemaker. Their cleverness is well honed.
If a Backstabber tells you that someone else in the office doesn’t like you or has it in for you, go to the person directly and ask if it’s true. The Backstabber has probably relayed a similar story about you. These lies can be exposed when there is good communication in your workplace. And yes, it is your job to start the process of clarification. Don’t wait for it to improve on its own because it won’t! Take personal responsibility for your outcomes.
5. Use specific language: In testing language for my book, Toxic People, I’ve found the following to work most effectively. “That did sound like you were serious. Do the rest of you feel that way? Is this becoming a problem?” Or, “I understand that you’re unhappy with the plan. Your feedback is important. I want to hear what you think.” The secret here is to practice several times what you will say. Learn your responses as well as you know your own name and don’t laugh during your delivery.

Remember this bad behavior can suck the life out of you. Never take it personally because it’s not about you! This is exactly the mental response they want you to take so don’t give in. Staying strong and confident is critical, without getting sarcastic and bitter.

Maintain a strong belief in your own competencies to stop the thoughts of vulnerability. Take personal responsibility in building you. Check your weaknesses and if they are the problem, learn to change them. The Back Stabber is just one of six Toxic People that I have identified. Get ready to also handle the Whine and Cheeser, the Know-it-all, the Steamroller, the Zipper Lip and the Needy Weenie. Using the same approach for all of them just forces you into your own mode of Toxic behavior!

Above all, stay pleasant and focus on the positive intent of the interaction. A positive attitude won’t solve all your problems, but it will tick off enough people to make it work the effort! And the real key in dealing with Backstabbers at work — don’t become one.

Comment on this blog and receive a free e-book of The CEO of YOU: Leading yourself to success. My gift for your participation – and thanks in advance!!
Please visit www.MarshaPetriesSue.com or email at Marsha@MarshaPetrieSue.com. Request the Ten Commandments of Cooperation from Marsha!

I was traveling yesterday from Nashville to Chicago and the flight was delayed two hours because of Mechanical problems. I had a choice on how I handled it as did the people behind the counter. They were gracious and compelling with their approach to a bad situation. They helped me think about how productive I could be in writing my next book proposal with two “extra” hours. And I did just that.

In analyzing what was different, it was their entire approach to their job and the travelers. What really put the icing on the delayed flight was what American Airlines and other sponsors are doing for Snowball Express . Check out what is being done for the children of our fallen soldiers, airmen and Marines. This group is reaching out now and far into their future with gatherings and trips for the families and loved ones.

Travel is not fun – but watching others and how they handle the otherwise bad situation, and the contributions others are making, certainly helped me not become a difficult person.

‘Tis the season to be happy and celebrate! Smilin’ Marsha

The message they send
• Don’t expect me to do anything to fix problems – I’m helpless
• To stay on my good side you must listen to my complaints
• I’m perfect. Therefore, it is my duty to notice all of the faults around me
• I’m right occasionally, so you had better be sure and listen to me

The President of the company was an excellent communicator and chose to take action. He did not agree with the difficult people. Rather he asked questions and dug deeper to determine the real issue was. Then he made relevant statements and continued to confirm the response with the Whine and Cheeser Toxic Person.

He really made them think. He did not buy into their misery. Instead, he listened, watched, and took verbal action. Do you have this arsenal of communication tools to draw from? Most people don’t.

Remember to identify the kind of difficult behavior you display and what kind of Toxic Person YOU become! Your approach must be in check before you can take any measure in decontaminating a toxic person.

This is the first week of the release of my new book, Toxic People: decontaminate difficult people at work without using weapons or duct tape. I am very pleased that it is doing so well. People DO understand that they have to learn the skills to manage these people. If you go to www.Amazon.com and buy this book today, you will receive an incredible bonus success package filed with ideas from the best Success Experts in the world! All you do is send your Amazon receipt to me at bonusoffer@marshapetriesue.com and receive your link to this great package.

Do something now about the people that suck the life out of you!

Marsha
(A recovering Toxic Person!)

Cry babies, mental terrorists and whinners

I was thinking about managing Toxic People. I’m returning from Washington DC today and had some wonderful interactions but also encountered some difficult people.

I have determined that the way you were raised determines how you view the world. If you were waised by Toxic People you will have a tendency to become a difficult person. Kind parents – you have a better chance of being a nicer person.

Did your parents teach you to be suspicious of everyone and everything? My mom did. I couldn’t play with Dougie next door because he had “sneaky” eyes. Thanks Mom – lesson learned. Becoming suspicious about everyone and everything was from the role model provided at home.

We had the opportunity to go to a reception and concert at the French Embassy. So decided we should hire a driver so we arrived in style! Well we were quoted one fee – and would up paying another. The Driver got lost, we were late, and he would not even discuss a reduced fee and actually was quite indignant! Can you imagine? He just didn’t understand that my friend that lives there was really going to use his services but NOT NOW!!!

How about you? How do you interact in difficult situations? What were the lessons you use? Train yourself to be self-aware of what you have learned and how that helps (or doesn’t help) you in your mindsight of other people.

The Washington DC situations made me reach deep into my tool box and dig out some better language to use with these Difficult people and Toxic People.

I continue to try to manage my behavior because I want to be the one in control of the situation. How about you? What do you do to manage your anger and management of toxic people? On and my new book, Toxic People: Decontaminate difficult people at work without using weapons and duct is now available on www.Amazon.com or on www.BN.com.

Marsha

John Wiley and Sons, New York, has released Marsha’s new book
Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work without Using Weapons or Duct Tape
Order at www.Amazon.com

Phone: 1.866.661.8756 or 480.661.8756
Booking information: 1.888.797.6700
Marsha Petrie Sue – The Decontaminator of Toxic People

Visit the website for more information www.MarshaPetrieSue.com

As I sit here in the airport, I am making a promise to myself to be especially gracious to others - no matter what their behavior. There are so many difficult people here. How about you? Take this week to focus on being a great communicator, ask interesting and delving questions into what the other person cares about. NOT what is important to you.

Communicate with empathy – with the other person in mind. Step away from the autobiographical approach – with your own agenda in mind. It is so easy to take the self-focus route because it is what you know!

Step out of your comfort zone for a few days. Think about what makes people memorable to you and I’ll bet you find it is because they are more interested in you than themselves!

Cheers, Marsha

www.MarshaPetrieSue.com

Toxic People: decontaminate difficult people at work without using weapons or duct tape

Find it in a bookstore near you!

Good Morning Marsha, I was sent your email “laid off,ticked off, and broke” from a loved one.

I read the article and I get it. I just want to provide a little bit of my background so that you may be able to provide some insight for me on my next moves. I have 13 years of IT financial mainframe background with a large bank / IBM. During the last several years in my position I was up training and re-skilling myself to move into another technical area within the bank but in the middle of 2003 was downsized. At the time, the area economy was good and I was not seeing any interest in me, from my local job market. So after my re-tooling and movement into a new technical arena, my age and experience, meet the criteria for outsourcing / downsizing models that were the rage for my sector at the time and moving the family to India was not an option.

Next phase, I was job networking in 03 and choose to move into a profession that had the people relationships, financial and mathematical skills I like and looked like it would be more difficult to outsource, the local home mortgage industry. I know that this industry runs in cycles and looking at it now I got in in mid-down turn and as you have heard is still going down. I did not go into this industry with out doing a lot of homework so the company I was with was great and I was mentored for some time and learned a great deal about the business and I can work for them as long as I wish. The issue is I do not have a large enough past client base to support me through this market, so off to the new job market I go.
I am open to any suggestions that you may have to offer. I am currently looking at mid-large size corporation for a position as a  business analyst or project manager in the IT field again.

Thank you for any assistance.

Here is my response:

In today’s market, companies look for talents not industry experience.  Figure out the benefit to ANY company and write a resume around that.
Example – problem solving, project management, prioritization, conflict resolution, negotiating and such.  In a growth economy, which I believe ours it, there is always room for great people!

Have you posted on Monster.com or other sites like that?  Marsha

–
John Wiley and Sons, New York, will be releasing Marsha’s latest book October 9, 2007.
Preorder at www.MarshaPetrieSue.com or www.Amazon.com
Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work without Using Weapons or Duct Tape

Phone:  1.866.661.8756 or 480.661.8756
Booking information:  1.888.797.6700
Marsha Petrie Sue – The Accountability Master

What has happened to our society that kindness takes a backseat to self-centeredness, ego, and rudeness? Why do people choose not to be nice? Personally, I plan to heighten my awareness meter to pay more attention to general kindness and having a good, caring outlook. Being wrapped up in your own life, whether problematic or not, can make anyone over consumed with themselves.

In publishing my next book, Toxic People: Decontaminate difficult people at work without using weapons or duct tape, I must force my life to be more about others and less about me. Here is the key – I will not allow myself to be walked on! Deciding to engage people that have the same view will be my goal. Eliminating the Toxic People from my life will continue to be my mantra. No longer will these people suck the life out of me, and I will surround myself with the like of people that were at the banquet.