No matter what the situation, everyone should choose civility especially when dealing with someone displaying difficult behavior or as my dad would say, “Wants to pick a fight.” Nothing is solved when fingers are pointed and words shared that rile others. Bias is in the eye of the beholder in my opinion.

I understand that it takes the brain three seconds or less to establish perspective and to judge. So for me, personally trying harder to choose words carefully because what one person sees as political another may not. What someone perceives to be an evil comment, another may not. This is why the comments of the post were so varied. Background, focus, culture, age, disposition, attitude, and more play into our thought process. It becomes the good, bad, right and wrong.  No gray area.

So I choose to use examples that make people think. Staying open, flexible and suspending judgment in any situation is always a goal for me. That is why I watch a variety of news sources — local and cable providing a wide range of perspectives so my own opinions are created. It is all about civility and I try hard to keep an open mind and will try even harder. Civility will be my focus and part of my personal leadership.

• Relive a confident moment. Dig back in your memory bank and recapture an event when you delivered the kind of success you want.  Remember as much detail as you can. It’s true – you become what you think about.

• Stop “awfulizing.” You must train yourself to put on the brakes when your thinking wanders to a devastating event. Every time you relive a mental mugging, it seems just a little bit worse and becomes an even more awful event. Get a good weapon to take out the mental terrorists.

• Put on your rational fighting gloves. Over learn a positive quote, saying, or mantra to replace the negativity. Try this one:  “No matter what you say or do to me, I’m still a worthwhile person.” Use the broken record technique by saying it repeatedly to yourself.

• Arrest the mental muggers in your life and send them off to solitary confinement. Enlist people that are supportive of you.  Welcome people that will keep you realistic and focused on strengths while keeping you grounded in reality. And listen to them. Continue to learn as much as you can!

• Learn to stand up for your rights.  When you are given objective criticism, don’t take it as a mugging.  Question the input (and that’s all it is – input).  Your perception makes it a mental mugging.  Store these words so you can use them quickly, “You may be right, help me understand where you’re coming from.”

Remember the old childhood rhyme of “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me?”  You are the one that perceives what the words actually mean, not someone else.  This one of the reasons you must train yourself and your work group to be better at handling difficult people in the workplace.

How do you manage toxic behavior?

EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES:
Liars, Backstabbers& Other Unpleasant Characters

It’s almost as if an honest person doesn’t have a chance in business any more.  According to Marsha Petrie Sue in her book Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work without Using Weapons or Duct Tape:
·     4% of the population are accomplished liars – well over a million people;
·     1 out of every 30 people in high-performing business situations have been identified as a Backstabber.  That’s way higher than what you’d normally encounter.

Not surprising, employers are encountering deceit on a massive scale.  The Society for Human Resources reports that:

• 11% of applicants don’t tell the real reason why they left a past job.
• A huge percentage of job applications contain untrue information.
• 1% of applicants completely falsify their identity.

At some point in our careers, we will likely meet some unpleasant characters in the dark corners of the workplace.  It’s important to develop survival skills before these emotional vampires drive us batty.

Dealing with a liar? Ms. Petrie Sue suggests that you start paying less attention to what you’re going to say and focus more on what they are actually saying.  Look for inconsistencies in words as well as actions.  Also, train yourself to be attentive to microexpressions, those telltale emotions that flash on a person’s face in a nanosecond.

The author has not provided advice for reading people with botox injections, the miracle drug that enables them to keep a straight face – literally.  However, I think many of her applications may be useful in detecting deceit.  For instance, watch for contradictions between an individual’s body language and words. Is he shaking his head no while saying yes?  That might mean he’s not totally committed to what he’s telling you.

Got a Backstabber making your blood boil? First, don’t be stupid.  Ms. Petrie Sue recommends that you don’t play the same game. That means never say anything bad about them to other colleagues.    Don’t like that idea?  Then, you won’t be wild about these either, but I believe they’re worth pursuing:

• Be friendly, but not bosom buddies.  Stay close enough so they like you and are willing to share information.
• Be gracious when exposing lies.  First, you might be dead wrong in your assumptions, so it’s best to seek a gentler clarification rather than using confrontation to get at the truth.
• Document your moves.  Note your conversations and write down outcomes of interactions with the Backstabber.
• Don’t think they’ll just magically vanish.  These folks are dangerous to your career, your culture and your company.  Take responsibility for initiating damage control.
  

There are lots more vampires that can drain the lifeblood out of you and your organization.   Ms. Petrie Sue covers all of these, including Steamrollers, Zipper Lips, and Know-It-Alls, with comprehensive strategies for each one.  What was her best advice?  It was for each of us to take a good long look at ourselves to be sure we don’t become a pain-in-the-neck to others.

Comments?  Would love to hear them!

Shannon Warren, OK Ethics Consortium
www.okethics.org
_______________________________________________________________

Click here! Good reminders on how to stay sane in an insane world.

And if you want all the forms and lists from the b, you can download them for free also at www.ReactorFactorBook.com

Cool tools for success.  Not real sexy, but down to earth information.

Marsha Petrie Sue, MBA, CSP
Photographer, Fisherman, Outdoors Woman and Wife to “The Boy Named Sue”
Also a Professional Speaker and Author of a bunch of books and other stuff
Connect with Marsha:
LINKEDIN: http://t.pm0.net/s/c?6h.bl2g.8.6w4l
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WEBSITE: http://www.MarshaPetrieSue.com
TWITTER @mpsue:  http://t.pm0.net/s/c?6h.bl2g.13.73cg

As the author of Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work without using Weapons or Duct tape, I agree with the assessment.  Diffusing the situation quickly with language like, “You may be right. Help me understand . . .” creates an environment that allows people to vent.

Learning to keep your own conflict thinking and mental terrorism in check is also important.  Breathe deeply to get oxygen to your brain is step one.

Then shift from the emotive side of the brain (the right side) to the left side (strategic, focused, and where your language lives) by memorizing a little ditty, prayer, quote or something so when you feel yourself drifting, you can refocus your internal language.

Typically, in the moment of conflict you can’t think of the correct words to say, but an hour later you can. Train yourself to recognize the mental vampires, kill them off, and create a more positive environment and stay in control of the situation.

Check out http://www.ReactorFactorBook.com and download the free documents.  I think you will find them useful as well as the information in the Toxic People book.

I know how to keep my power by maintaining control. I create my own environment that nurtures my success. I am the master of my future, my stress level, and my own behavior.

Happy New Year!  Marsha
http://appadvice.com/app/345202252
The Reactor Factor free download iPhone/iTouch app

The setting is rural and everyone who has chosen to live here, either part or full time, participates in the outdoors in some fashion. Fishing, birding and hiking are certainly our past times!

One of the “guests” became a toxic person and displayed difficult behavior when she walked by two men who were discussing their outdoor adventures. She put her fingers in her ears, and loudly shouted, “la, la, la, la, la…” There should be a TV show called Idiots in Action. This woman could be the poster child.
OMG – the last time I saw that kind of poor behavior was from a five year-old who didn’t want to listen to their parents. The problem? She continued with her ridiculous antics. Even my husband, who never pays attention to that kind of scenario, mentioned it on the way home. It really was that absurd.

For me, it was an excellent display of exactly what I base my presentations and writings on. Open your mind, and remember you don’t have to agree with what is being said. Don’t fall into the trap of people behaving badly, toxic behavior and closed mindedness.

Marsha

This has not been a focus of mine, until I received a call from the New York Times reporter, Lisa Belkin. She interviewed me for an article for the Styles section about exactly this theme. To view the article click here.

I will cook dinner, we will have an adult beverage, and toast all those people jammed in an already overcrowded restaurant that allows them to chose between two entrée items. Is this romantic? I am convinced that Hallmark and other benefactors of the holiday manufactured Valentine’s Day. Did you know that more than $15 billion (with a B) dollars was spent on this lover’s day in 2007. I’d rather give money to my favorite charity AZ Magic of Music and Dance because I know the special needs kids would certainly appreciate it. Now there is a group filled with love. I refuse to become a difficult person!

I’ll bet even DHL sent out a press release to take advantage of their company exporting over 15 Million stems from Latin America! And why not? I say take advantage of marketing opportunities especially when concocted by someone else just don’t become arrogant or toxic over the situation.

MSNBC has even made news of this Anti focus.
For an alternative history to Valentine’s Day, visit or visit the Anti Valentines Day Spectacular

Need information on booking Marsha for your next event? Please contact Marcia Snow at
mailto:MarciaSnow@MarshaPetrieSue.com.

The press is wonderful, but it does mean that people “test” me for answers and solutions. We were at a party and there was a very loud, obnoxious   woman sitting next to me at the dinner table. It was made clear that her views were opposite of the six other people dining. The lovely hostess even pulled me in the kitchen to ask for my advice to manage this combination steamroller, know it all, whiner difficult person.

I decided to tell the difficult woman to please lower her voice because, for me, yelling and using a loud, high pitched voice only made me not want to listen to her. And asked, “Do you want me to hear your views?” So she did lower her wine induced volume. Notice I spoke only for myself and not for the rest of the table.

I also mentioned that starting every sentence, as she was, with a “But…” positioned her message in a way that turned me off because she was immediately discounting what I had just said. So at least she stopped the But Habit. I applied a lesson on how to handle difficult people that I constantly talk about in my presentations.

The shame is the other couple got up and went home to the dismay of our wonderful hostess. Here are my considerations after this evening:

1. Sit and say nothing and let her yabber on. Keep drinking wine.

2. Do as I did – just earlier. (Good choice, but not the best)

3. Ask if we can continue this conversation over dessert in the living room. (I think this is the best choice and I learned a valuable lesson on dealing with difficult people.)

Lesson here: when you don’t get the exact outcome you want – evaluate afterwords and have a new approach in your bag of tricks. My motto: if it’s meant to be, it’s up to me! And to quote Babe Ruth – if you continue to do what you’ve always done, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always got. Marsha

My suggestion is to ask the group if they would like to spend less time in meetings and get a raise of hands. On a flip chart or white board, ask them what rules they would like to implement. You can start with a suggestion.

I’ve included some considerations below. Ask for an “OK” that these are acceptable ground rules. Type them out and begin every meeting with these rules to reduce the time spent in meetings.

1. Stick to the agenda
2. One person speaks at a time
3. Begin and end on time
4. Say it once and concisely
5. No interrupting

Put everyone in charges of keeping on target with the rules. Need more? Check out Charlie Hawkins article – good stuff.

Be sure to use these for every meeting to save time and improve productivity!

Need more time savings tips? Need to reduce difficult behavior of co-workers? Click on the links!!

Cheers, Marsha

****************
Refer Marsha for your next meeting, workshop or keynote.
“Our meeting was a tremendous success because of your keynote and concurrent workshop.
Your evaluations were ‘off the charts!’” Jan Waugh, Association of Legal Administrators.
Marsha’s latest book, Toxic People, is in bookstores everywhere
#1 bestseller on the “What Corporate America is Reading” from CEO-Read plus Barnes and Noble and Amazon!
Visit the website for more information www.MarshaPetrieSue.com or call Marcia Snow at 1.888.797.6700