No matter what the situation, everyone should choose civility especially when dealing with someone displaying difficult behavior or as my dad would say, “Wants to pick a fight.” Nothing is solved when fingers are pointed and words shared that rile others. Bias is in the eye of the beholder in my opinion.

I understand that it takes the brain three seconds or less to establish perspective and to judge. So for me, personally trying harder to choose words carefully because what one person sees as political another may not. What someone perceives to be an evil comment, another may not. This is why the comments of the post were so varied. Background, focus, culture, age, disposition, attitude, and more play into our thought process. It becomes the good, bad, right and wrong.  No gray area.

So I choose to use examples that make people think. Staying open, flexible and suspending judgment in any situation is always a goal for me. That is why I watch a variety of news sources — local and cable providing a wide range of perspectives so my own opinions are created. It is all about civility and I try hard to keep an open mind and will try even harder. Civility will be my focus and part of my personal leadership.

I have a problem with his behavior because to me, it is neither Presidential nor does it show a strong, capable leadership style. Are his exceptional oratory skills only present when reading off of a ‘comfort monitor’ aka ‘TelePrompTer?’

On the other hand, should Jan Brewer have tried to diffuse the situation by using my favorite communication technique, fogging, by saying, “You may be right. Would there be a time when we can discuss my intent for my book?” And the finger pointing is never a good choice of gestures.

It is just plain dumb to see this kind of situation happen and it certainly doesn’t position either person well.  What do you think?

Fewer than 2 percent of the people who make New Year’s resolutions actually achieve them, so why would you waste a minute setting them? The true reason is that it gives you hope that the next 12 months will be better than the last. If you have ever set the same goal year after year, why don’t you just stop the insanity? Stop setting goals and start taking the initiative through personal responsibility. Here are the top five goals people set and that 98 percent of those people are never going to come close to achieving.

1. Lose Weight

Don’t join a gym because the only exercise you will get is writing out the check. My suggestion? Personally I hate the gym but I go just about every day – early! And yes, you do have time and you can make it a priority. Read this from LiveStrong.com.

2. Budget

Practice self-control and take personal responsibility. Pay cash for everything, especially large purchases. Get more plastic—debit cards only. There are some great points in this post.

3. Debt Reduction

Add up your debt. Determine a date when you want the debt retired and gone. Divide the debt by the number of months, weeks or days. I recommend weeks. Yes, this is difficult, but you should also calculate what you are paying in interest. You are throwing your hard-earned money to someone else. More on debt reduction here.

4. Learn Something New

A lifelong learning framework encompasses learning throughout the life cycle, from cradle to grave and in different learning environments: formal, nonformal and informal. Just focus on improving your skills 10 minutes a week! It’s probably more than you do now. Here are 15 great steps.

5. Volunteer and Help Others

Resolve to replace the pursuit of success and materialism with the pursuit of contribution and generosity. For this to occur, the critical question is: “What can I contribute that will significantly impact other people’s lives?” By focusing on what we can contribute, we automatically become successful. Read more here.

Understand that the audience can tell immediately when you are panicked. This unrest is typically caused by lack of self-confidence, which is then exacerbated by poorly drafted presentations, little or no practice, and not knowing your audience. Think about a nervous speaker you previewed; did their anxiety build confidence in their message? Or were you just hoping they would make it through? Using a planning model helps reduce anxiety because it gives you structure and the knowledge that you are organized and in control.

Construction: Use the following 11-point model to plan your presentation. This model can also be used for planning meetings, writing newsletters and more.

The presentation model can be downloaded from www.ReactorFactorBook.com along with other forms from my latest book.

#1 Close. It may sound strange, but you actually want to start your planning by determining how you’ll end your speech—in other words, what you want the audience to think, do or feel. By doing so, you will save time putting your presentation together.

#2, #3, #4—Key Points. Establish the three key elements of your presentation so that it becomes memorable for the listener. Remember it’s easier for people to remember information in groups of threes.

#5, #6, #7—Details. These sections include your data, examples, and information pertinent to the three issues identified in #2, #3 and #4.

#8, #9, #10—Summary. Develop this part by thinking about the three key points; and, in one sentence, ask yourself—what do you want people to take away from each?

#11—Opening. What is your hook and the sound bite that will move the audience to the edge of their seats? Immediately engaging the audience let’s you see that you are in control by watching their interest in hearing “the rest of the story” therefore reducing your anxiety!

The side benefit of this model is that it will save you about 50% of the time you normally spend writing your speech. Plant the visual of this plan in you head and speaking extemporaneously will be a breeze.

Let me know if I can help you and your team improved this dreaded but essential skill. Remember it separates you from the rest of the nervous Nellie’s out there who hate to present! Having honed communication skills is critical in today’s environment – and yes, platform power is a communication skill you must have. Plus, I have covered this important skill in The Reactor Factor!

Sleep faster: when your head hits the pillow, think of all the wonderful and joyful events of your day. Don’t focus on how awful it was or how you didn’t get everything done.  While doing this, concentrate on deep, diaphragmatic breathing by putting one hand on your belly and pushing your belly button slowly up and down. When (not if) your mind wanders to the dark side, bring it back to the happiness of the day.

Time manage faster: learn to stop yourself several times a day and ask yourself. “Is this the best use of my time right now?” Ah, the answer is probably NO! So shift what you are doing to something more productive.  Do you have a “To Do” list that is overwhelming? Play a trick on yourself and ask, “If I had time to do just one, which one would I do?” Then, as NIKE says, Just Do It!

Organize faster: Keep your gear in a “ready to go” duffle. I have my green bag that has all my camo, gloves, long underwear, turtles, mask, hats, and everything else packed. I know my backpack always has my binoculars, water bottle, snacks, pad/pencil, Garmin, rain poncho, sunscreen, first aid kit and other essentials already packed. I don’t have to think.

Learn to grab and go. Practice your time management on every turn. Build your energy by allowing yourself to sleep soundly. You too will be part of the Survival of the Fastest team!

What else do you do?

• Relive a confident moment. Dig back in your memory bank and recapture an event when you delivered the kind of success you want.  Remember as much detail as you can. It’s true – you become what you think about.

• Stop “awfulizing.” You must train yourself to put on the brakes when your thinking wanders to a devastating event. Every time you relive a mental mugging, it seems just a little bit worse and becomes an even more awful event. Get a good weapon to take out the mental terrorists.

• Put on your rational fighting gloves. Over learn a positive quote, saying, or mantra to replace the negativity. Try this one:  “No matter what you say or do to me, I’m still a worthwhile person.” Use the broken record technique by saying it repeatedly to yourself.

• Arrest the mental muggers in your life and send them off to solitary confinement. Enlist people that are supportive of you.  Welcome people that will keep you realistic and focused on strengths while keeping you grounded in reality. And listen to them. Continue to learn as much as you can!

• Learn to stand up for your rights.  When you are given objective criticism, don’t take it as a mugging.  Question the input (and that’s all it is – input).  Your perception makes it a mental mugging.  Store these words so you can use them quickly, “You may be right, help me understand where you’re coming from.”

Remember the old childhood rhyme of “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me?”  You are the one that perceives what the words actually mean, not someone else.  This one of the reasons you must train yourself and your work group to be better at handling difficult people in the workplace.

How do you manage toxic behavior?

I would be very interested to see if you have other suggestions on crying in the workplace. Personally, I think it is unacceptable and immature!

Question:

I have a young lady on staff and she is working on a large and important project but every time someone questions some of her decisions right/wrong about the project she get very emotional, which typically results in her crying.

I have discussed with her that it is okay to cry but she should step away, try to avoid it by focusing on the issue or the discussion versus her feelings. I have told her that she is an exceptional individual and a great contributor to our organization but these comments don’t seem to work. She has people who report to her and they see that when she gets in situations she cries and I am concerned it is effecting her ability to reason and make good decisions and possibly these individuals may use it against her in the future. At the moment, she typically will take the time after she cries to think it through and get to some very good options but I need her to do this during the meetings and not have to walk out because of her emotions.

I have to be honest, I am a male and not so in touch with my emotions, so I am finding this situation somewhat difficult to manage, especially since I have done a lot of what you have advised above and it is not working.

Do I just say it is okay to cry and advise the rest of the department that this is acceptable? I have thought about having a female leader in the organization try and mentor her through this situation but I am concerned that these women may not tolerate it from her because they see it as a sign of weakness and it is a bad impression of females in leadership roles…

Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks
.

My Suggestion:

I would talk to her privately and ask her how she wants to be perceived. Make a list with her. Then ask her how she thinks she is perceived when she cries. If she wants to be perceived as a business professional, she must train herself not to cry. Typically, for women, crying is the result of poor self-confidence. She is reacting from the emotive side of her brain (the right side) and needs to train herself to think from the left side of her brain (rational, focused). Memorize a mantra such as, I love and accept myself just the way I am. Or, no matter what you say or do to me I’m still a worthwhile person. Or I’m glad I’m here, I’m glad you’re here, I care about you, I know what I know. These words, when memorized, come from the left side of the brain. Bottom line: she needs to change her “thinking” habits.

What would you recommend?



Fewer than 2 percent of the people who make New Year’s resolutions actually achieve them, so why would you waste a minute setting them? The true reason is that it gives you hope that the next 12 months will be better than the last. If you have ever set the same goal year after year, why don’t you just stop the insanity? Stop setting goals and start taking the initiative through personal responsibility. Here are the top nine goals people set and that 98 percent of those people are never going to come close to achieving.

1. Lose Weight

Don’t join a gym because the only exercise you will get is writing out the check. My suggestion? Invest in a Wii Fit Plus. It’s fun, and the games at least get you moving more than you did last year. And yes, you do have time. Try http://micurl.com/jrsCA

2. Budget

Label envelopes with your budgeted necessities such as rent, food, utilities and so on. Cash your paycheck and fill the envelopes first. Make a list of all the debt you owe and the consequences that will happen if these payments are not made. Get more plastic—debit cards only. Try http://micurl.com/ozElF

3. Debt Reduction

Add up your debt. Determine a date when you want the debt retired and gone. Divide the debt by the number of months, weeks or days. I recommend weeks. Yes, this is difficult, but you should also calculate what you are paying in interest. You are throwing your hard-earned money to someone else. Try http://micurl.com/BqEfi

4. More Quality Time with Family & Friends

You must consciously decide every day to work actively and purposely at improving your family situation. Block time in your calendar and treat this time as importantly as you do the time in an essential business meeting. Try reading this book: http://micurl.com/qzgip

5. Find A Soul Mate

Romance is alive and well as more people are looking for that special someone. You must stay open and flexible. But be true to yourself. Insist on one ground rule: Stay open to each other’s passions. Try http://micurl.com/vflFk

6. Quit Smoking

Becoming a nonsmoker is probably one of the best decisions you can ever make, and is a life-changing as well as a life-saving decision. The resolution to become a nonsmoker will also help you to live longer and enjoy the finer things in life. Need help? Try http://www.smoking-cessation.org/

7. Find a Better Job

To begin achieving this goal, examine whether your current career path matches your core interests, beliefs, values, needs and skills. Resolve to ask and answer those essential questions before making any new career changes. Even in this economy, companies are still hiring and promoting. Try reading this book (and yes, it’s mine): http://micurl.com/hfedo

8. Learn Something New

A lifelong learning framework encompasses learning throughout the life cycle, from cradle to grave and in different learning environments: formal, nonformal and informal. Just focus on improving your skills 10 minutes a week! It’s probably more than you do now. Try http://micurl.com/ByiuD

9. Volunteer and Help Others

Resolve to replace the pursuit of success and materialism with the pursuit of contribution and generosity. For this to occur, the critical question is: “What can I contribute that will significantly impact other people’s lives?” By focusing on what we can contribute, we automatically become successful. Try http://micurl.com/xDuys

I post bits of information, motivation, personal responsibility and leadership quotes frequently. We get some VERY interesting conversations going on how to handle all kinds of issues. Take a look!

FACEBOOK: http://t.pm0.net/s/c?6h.bl2g.10.6yc6

WEBSITE: http://www.MarshaPetrieSue.com

TWITTER @mpsue: http://t.pm0.net/s/c

Do you have additional approaches that work for you?  Please share! I’m thinking my next book title will be SOS: Stamp Our Stupidity. Your story may land in that new resource!

I can no longer deal with a fellow colleague who talks behind my back.

You first have to approach this person who you believe is talking behind your back by saying something similar to, “I understand that someone has been saying <add the issues here> behind my back.  It is not true and I want to make sure this stops.  Do you know anything about it?  Can you help me end this gossip?” The behavior must be called to their face.  If this does not work, go to your superior and tell them what your approach has been and ask for their assistance in ending these untruths.

I don’t get along with my manager.

This is your issue not theirs.  Take time to learn about and understand their mode of communication and their behavioral style. Then train yourself to flex to their style. (You may need to read Chapter 4 What Leaders Want in The Reactor Factor again.) You must learn to accept their “quirks” because they are your superior. If it is unbearable, repackage yourself and find another job.

My manager doesn’t like me.

This is your perception. Determine the work outcomes expected of you by your manager. If they don’t tell you, start the conversation. Ask for the rewards of doing the job and the consequences of not doing the job. The relationship with your boss does not have to be a love fest.

My work environment has turned hostile and I have to tell someone what is going on.

If you feel physically threatened, you need to first notify your leader and if no action is taken, consult with your human resources department.  If you don’t have one, you can notify the EEOC www.eeoc.gov/. Before you take this step, do everything you can to resolve the conflict and hostility yourself.  These are soft skills and your company expects you to have and use them. Do not go running to someone else, like the EEOC, until you have exerted every option.

Marsha Petrie Sue, MBA, CSP

Photographer, Fisherman, Outdoors Woman and Wife to “The Boy Named Sue”

Also a Professional Speaker and Author of a bunch of books and other stuff

Connect with Marsha: TWITTER @mpsue; LINKEDIN; PLAXO; FACEBOOK

WEBSITE: http://www.MarshaPetrieSue.com