No matter what the situation, everyone should choose civility especially when dealing with someone displaying difficult behavior or as my dad would say, “Wants to pick a fight.” Nothing is solved when fingers are pointed and words shared that rile others. Bias is in the eye of the beholder in my opinion.

I understand that it takes the brain three seconds or less to establish perspective and to judge. So for me, personally trying harder to choose words carefully because what one person sees as political another may not. What someone perceives to be an evil comment, another may not. This is why the comments of the post were so varied. Background, focus, culture, age, disposition, attitude, and more play into our thought process. It becomes the good, bad, right and wrong.  No gray area.

So I choose to use examples that make people think. Staying open, flexible and suspending judgment in any situation is always a goal for me. That is why I watch a variety of news sources — local and cable providing a wide range of perspectives so my own opinions are created. It is all about civility and I try hard to keep an open mind and will try even harder. Civility will be my focus and part of my personal leadership.

I have a problem with his behavior because to me, it is neither Presidential nor does it show a strong, capable leadership style. Are his exceptional oratory skills only present when reading off of a ‘comfort monitor’ aka ‘TelePrompTer?’

On the other hand, should Jan Brewer have tried to diffuse the situation by using my favorite communication technique, fogging, by saying, “You may be right. Would there be a time when we can discuss my intent for my book?” And the finger pointing is never a good choice of gestures.

It is just plain dumb to see this kind of situation happen and it certainly doesn’t position either person well.  What do you think?

I would be very interested to see if you have other suggestions on crying in the workplace. Personally, I think it is unacceptable and immature!

Question:

I have a young lady on staff and she is working on a large and important project but every time someone questions some of her decisions right/wrong about the project she get very emotional, which typically results in her crying.

I have discussed with her that it is okay to cry but she should step away, try to avoid it by focusing on the issue or the discussion versus her feelings. I have told her that she is an exceptional individual and a great contributor to our organization but these comments don’t seem to work. She has people who report to her and they see that when she gets in situations she cries and I am concerned it is effecting her ability to reason and make good decisions and possibly these individuals may use it against her in the future. At the moment, she typically will take the time after she cries to think it through and get to some very good options but I need her to do this during the meetings and not have to walk out because of her emotions.

I have to be honest, I am a male and not so in touch with my emotions, so I am finding this situation somewhat difficult to manage, especially since I have done a lot of what you have advised above and it is not working.

Do I just say it is okay to cry and advise the rest of the department that this is acceptable? I have thought about having a female leader in the organization try and mentor her through this situation but I am concerned that these women may not tolerate it from her because they see it as a sign of weakness and it is a bad impression of females in leadership roles…

Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks
.

My Suggestion:

I would talk to her privately and ask her how she wants to be perceived. Make a list with her. Then ask her how she thinks she is perceived when she cries. If she wants to be perceived as a business professional, she must train herself not to cry. Typically, for women, crying is the result of poor self-confidence. She is reacting from the emotive side of her brain (the right side) and needs to train herself to think from the left side of her brain (rational, focused). Memorize a mantra such as, I love and accept myself just the way I am. Or, no matter what you say or do to me I’m still a worthwhile person. Or I’m glad I’m here, I’m glad you’re here, I care about you, I know what I know. These words, when memorized, come from the left side of the brain. Bottom line: she needs to change her “thinking” habits.

What would you recommend?



Do you have additional approaches that work for you?  Please share! I’m thinking my next book title will be SOS: Stamp Our Stupidity. Your story may land in that new resource!

I can no longer deal with a fellow colleague who talks behind my back.

You first have to approach this person who you believe is talking behind your back by saying something similar to, “I understand that someone has been saying <add the issues here> behind my back.  It is not true and I want to make sure this stops.  Do you know anything about it?  Can you help me end this gossip?” The behavior must be called to their face.  If this does not work, go to your superior and tell them what your approach has been and ask for their assistance in ending these untruths.

I don’t get along with my manager.

This is your issue not theirs.  Take time to learn about and understand their mode of communication and their behavioral style. Then train yourself to flex to their style. (You may need to read Chapter 4 What Leaders Want in The Reactor Factor again.) You must learn to accept their “quirks” because they are your superior. If it is unbearable, repackage yourself and find another job.

My manager doesn’t like me.

This is your perception. Determine the work outcomes expected of you by your manager. If they don’t tell you, start the conversation. Ask for the rewards of doing the job and the consequences of not doing the job. The relationship with your boss does not have to be a love fest.

My work environment has turned hostile and I have to tell someone what is going on.

If you feel physically threatened, you need to first notify your leader and if no action is taken, consult with your human resources department.  If you don’t have one, you can notify the EEOC www.eeoc.gov/. Before you take this step, do everything you can to resolve the conflict and hostility yourself.  These are soft skills and your company expects you to have and use them. Do not go running to someone else, like the EEOC, until you have exerted every option.

Marsha Petrie Sue, MBA, CSP

Photographer, Fisherman, Outdoors Woman and Wife to “The Boy Named Sue”

Also a Professional Speaker and Author of a bunch of books and other stuff

Connect with Marsha: TWITTER @mpsue; LINKEDIN; PLAXO; FACEBOOK

WEBSITE: http://www.MarshaPetrieSue.com

By 1890 it was recognized by all of the northern states. The South refused to acknowledge the day, honoring their dead on separate days until after World War I (when the holiday changed from honoring just those who died fighting in the Civil War to honoring Americans who died fighting in any war). It is now celebrated in almost every State on the last Monday in May (passed by Congress with the National Holiday Act of 1971 (P.L. 90 – 363) to ensure a three day weekend for Federal holidays), though several southern states have an additional separate day for honoring the Confederate war dead: January 19 in Texas, April 26 in Alabama, Florida, Georgia, and Mississippi; May 10 in South Carolina; and June 3 (Jefferson Davis’ birthday) in Louisiana and Tennessee.

Read more and please share this wonderful history with your children, friends and family. Freedom is never free and I honor everyone who protects my country.

God bless America. Marsha

Marsha Petrie Sue, MBA, CSP – Professional Speaker and Author

Please join me on FACEBOOK

If you are not twittering - start today

Then layer on the networking meetings, up close and personal time with people, and you can be in the down draft of the networking typhoon. It’s not just the Generation Y that are building businesses using these tools.  Here are a couple of my suggestions:

Twitter.com: A free social networking service that allows users to send “updates” (text-based posts that are up to 140 characters long) via SMS (small message service) instant messaging, email, the Twitter website, or an application such as Twitterrific. The site has become very popular in only a few months — a lot of people are watching it. I like using it because it is just fun.  The following examples gives you a great example.

Twitter for Business Success:
Receipt for successful Twitter application:
1 Filipino marrying into a Korean family
1 taco truck Goliath Cater Craft
1 scoop Korean Taco
1 tortilla
1 RockSugar chef Roy Choi
A dash of friends and family to blog, brand and Twitter.
Mix in the Internet Social Networks and you have a delicious application of using Social Networks to establish and run a successful business. Where will this unique taco truck park next? Only the tech-savvy know for sure.

How it started: After a night of bar hopping, Mark Manguera was sitting with his 25-year-old sister-in-law, Alice Shin. His wife Caroline was already sleeping soundly. Mark was munching on a Carne Asada taco, and it dawned on him, “Why not put Korean barbecue on a taco?” He told friends and family of his epiphany and put the magical receipt together.

The result: The Kogi Korean BBQ taco truck. (@kogibbq on Twitter) After celebrating a November 20, 2008 soft opening, the roving cater craft has emerged as a social-networking juggernaut, drawing 300 to 800 people each time it parks. This may occur several times in an evening and launching a mushrooming cyber-hippie movement affectionately referred to as “Kogi kulture.”

Here is another idea:

Ning.com 100,000 users. Create your own social network for anything.
An online service to create, customize, and share a social network.
Example: Phil Singleton, John Driscoll & Company

Get a group started today!

Phil started a group using www.Ning.com, Arizona Excellence Group and hand selects whom he wants to invite.  Luckily, I am part of the group.  Within six months he had 60+ people in the group.  They are a tight knit group and continue to refer each other for business opportunities, support, problem solving and also work with each other. This is an excellent example of using social networking for business development.  What group could you form?  Please post a comment on how you are using these social networking tools!

*********
Save the Date
*********
March 21, 2009 – Las Vegas
I will be addressing iLearningGlobal and invite you to join me.
This is an amazing opportunity and to learn more, please click here.
http://www.marshapetriesue.com/ILG/index.html
This incredible learning tool allows you to deliver 5 – 7 minute capsuls of learning to yourself, your group and your familiy.  Sign up today!

March 26, 2009 – Complimentary teleclass presented by Hilton-Johnson http://www.trainingu.com/scripts/leaders.lasso
I’ll be speaking on THE REACTOR FACTOR – how to respond positively to negative situations at work.  More information later – but save the date!  7 PM CST (9PM EST)

April 6, 2009 – I’ll be speaking at the Ritz Carlton this evening for Guilty Millionaire – an amazing MasterMind group that you need to be attending.  Mark it on your calendar and more information http://guiltymillionaire.com/index.php

1. Select only the people in the cc: list that care about or need the information.  Rarely is it everyone on the carbon copy diatribe.

2. Re-title the message as the theme and topic changes. For the receiver of the message, it keeps the focus on what you are addressing.  For you, it makes it easier if you are searching for a message previously sent.

3. Obvious, but people still do it.  Don’t type in all caps.  It is hard to read and can be interpreted as shouting.

4. If you have a questions that has not been answered in two emails, pick up the phone or walk to other person’s office. This will save you time and build better relationships.

5. If you are upset and sending an email to address the situation, write it and save it as a draft.  Wait at least one hour, reread the message, and you will find that you need to rewrite part of the message and extract the emotion and anger.

6. Be concise and to the point. Think about using bullet points.  Most readers find this much easier to read, especially when you are receiving so many emails every day!

7. Make sure the original message (called a message thread) is included in your reply.  Otherwise the recipient may not have the context of your answer.

8. Use proper punctuation, structure and layout.

9. Do not use email to discuss confidential matters and consider adding a disclaimer to your message.

10. Try to read and proof your email before sending it. (This is one I’m working on!!)

Here a couple other posts on email that will help too!  http://www.decontaminatetoxicpeople.com/category/email/

Here are some of their findings and my solutions:
1. Men are more apt to zone out in a meeting since their brains are designed to enter a “rest state” more easily than women. My solution: Change the energy in the meeting every 6 – 8 minutes by telling a story, asking the group to write something down, share a thought with the person sitting next to them, or ask for feedback round robin style. Be creative.
2. Women will have a tendency to run off topic because their personal development has encouraged them to multitask. My solution: in the ground rules of the meeting, focus on sticking to the agenda. Any participant can bring the group back to task. Have a “parking lot” so if something is brought up off the agenda, it can be posted and considered for another meeting.

These are just two ideas of many covered. You can preorder the book on Amazon.com. This book could be used to expand negotiating skills, solve communication problems and create an expanded professional component. It is all about self-awareness and understanding gender issue, and is certainly big in corporate setting and any business environment.

I do discuss gender differences in conflict in the Toxic People book and also on the audio version of the book. I should mention too that if you sign up for my monthly newsletter on www.MarshaPetrieSue.com you would receive a download of a very cool Toxic People podcast for your iPod or MP3.
Your comments are always appreciated and I love receiving emails from you and especially the blog posts. Thanks!!

Marsha

1. Make it personal – not a mass email to sign up for stuff I don’t care about.

2. Make it easy – tell me why I should do business with you.

3. Make is short – I don’t need a litany of products. I will know what I want when I need it!

Here is the email from Mrs. Fields…

Hello,
I am a service associate with Mrs. Fields Corporate Services Division and I wanted to thank you for the order you placed with us Online. If you have any gift-giving needs in the future, I would like to help you make the order process as “sweet” and simple as possible. I can help you with product selection, quantity discounts, customized gifts, and much more! If you have future orders whether it be one gift or many please let me know. We also offer customization on several of our gifts. We have an in house print shop that can place your company logo on one of many cookie tins or ribbons. If you have any questions or would like to set up a corporate account, my information is listed below. Thanks again for your order, we really do appreciate your business.

Best regards,

Jacob Perry, Corporate Sales
1717 S 4800 W, Salt Lake City, UT 84104
Phone: 801.412.8832 Fax: 800.878.8858
jperry@mrsfields.com <mailto:jperry@mrsfields.com>
“Making Gift Giving Sweet & Simple”

They have my business!!! Marsha

(email me for the Ten Commandments to Cooperation)

Marsha@MarshaPetrieSue.com

“A long-time employee in our office, who is respected by all of the companies shareholders, is a challenging person for her coworkers to work with. In the years I have worked with her, her interactions with me have always been positive. She is very skilled at projecting the desired image to those she perceives to be in positions of authority or power.”

“She is described by her coworkers: Will not share information about clients that others need. If directly asked for the information, she will respond with ‘I’ll take care of it’ and then may not take care of it, but may just wait for the other person to handle it wrong.
TRY THE ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION MODLE: IT MIGHT SOUND SOMETHING LIKE THIS:
1. THANKS FOR TAKING CARE OF THIS
2. I NEED TO HAVE THIS COMPLETED BY __________ FOR ______________.
3. WILL IT BE DONE BY ______________ OR ______________
(AN ALTERNATIVE)
SHOULD I CHECK BACK WITH YOU ON __________ OR ________________.
4. THEN IF IT DOES COME BACK AND IS A MESS – USE:
IN THE FUTURE, I NEED TO MAKE SURE THIS IS COMPLETED. SO I WILL MAKE SURE I GET A CONFIRMING EMAIL OFF TO YOU BECAUSE I TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT NOT BEING COMPLETED PROPERLY BECAUSE I DIDN’T CHECK IN WITH YOU OR PERHAPS WASN’T CLEAR ON WHAT NEEDED TO BE COMPLETED.

And the scenarion continues. “She is often very crabby with other staff – never with the shareholders.”
CALL THE BEHAVIOR. ASK HER, HAVE I DONE SOMETHING TO PERSONALLY UPSET YOU?

“Will not take responsibility for her mistakes – blames others.” (SEE MODEL ABOVE AND I WOULD RECOMMEND WRITING IT OUT SO YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH RESPONSE.

“She likes to stir up trouble but feigns ignorance if directly asked about it.” THAT SOUNDED LIKE A PUT DOWN. IS THAT WHAT YOU MEANT? IF NOT, HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM.

THE QUESTION IS – DOES HER BEHAVIOR PERSONALLY EFFECT YOU? IF NOT, IT IS IMPORTANT TO GIVE OTHER PEOPLE THE SUGGESTIONS AND HELP WITH THEIR COMMUNICATION SKILLS, BUT NOT SOLVE THE PROBLEM FOR THEM. I BELIEVE THAT IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO IMPROVE A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE, UNLESS YOU WORK AS THE MEDIATOR WITH BOTH OF THEM IN THE SAME ROOM.

Marsha